Tough New Laws

September 1 is going to be really hard on a few folks in my family, mainly the dumb cousins and the smart ones. It has come to pass that new laws enacted in the recent Texas legislative session and some leftover ones from past sessions that had to visit the courts first go into effect tomorrow (Sept. 1) Because of the nature of the laws this will prove problematic for some of my extended family, both the crooks and lawyers.

Among them, it has now become lawful for Texas to join their Oklahoma neighbors in noodling. I must confess that I didn't know noodling wasn't legal in Texas. I just thought Texans were smarter than the Oklahoma boys and Alabama girls who noodled a lot. Anyway, I suppose being able to catch fish under the banks of rivers and creeks with your bare hands is progress.  Or is could be a fishing expedition by Gov. Perry to lure voters to his side from the south. Time will tell but this may be hard on a few of my cousins. I'll explain later.

Some of the other laws are the pork chopper law which makes it legal to shoot feral hogs from a helicopter. It is now legal to take your gun to work with certain provisions. The highest legal speed has been raised to 85 mph but the roads where its ok aren't designated yet. Strip clubs that sell alcohol must charge a $5 fee (pole tax?) of its patrons. Funeral protests must be finished three hours before the actual funeral or you go to jail. Amber alerts will be used for missing adults. We also have a new concussion law that requires coaches to immediately take their players out of a game or practice if a concussion is suspected.

I can see the problems coming now. Cousin Slim calls our Cousin Mike, a lawyer......
Cousin Mike? This y'here is Cousin Slim. I'm in trouble, I think....
What's wrong Cousin Slim?
I'm in jail.
What did you do?  Why are you in jail?
I'm not sure. I thought ever'thang I did was legit and legal like,but this young County Deputy pulls me over and then hauls me off to jail.
Well, the man pulls me over for speeding but I weren't going but 83.
Where were you going 83?
On I 20 'tween Abilene and Weatherford. Ain't the speed limit 85 now?
Not everywhere Cousin. Is speeding the only problem?
No, they say theys going to add a bunch more charges after the CSI folks go over my car.
What other charges, Slim?
Well, Cuz, they say probably kidnapping and murder.
WHAT?!?
Eazee, Cuz. It's all a big mistake. That young sheriff's deputy jumped to some pretty far conclusions when he saw my rifle under my backseat, but it wore locked up and hid and everything.
So why did that bother him?
I guess it was the smell.
What smell?
And maybe the blood.
What Blood?
The smell and blood a'coming from the trunk of my car.
How, what in heaven's ....why, wh....
Eazee, Cuz. It's all explanable. I was driving fast to get back to football practice in Azle. All the coaches in Texas got locked up by the third week of the season for not reportin' concuzuns. So us parents took over coaching. Well, I took a quick trip out to Abilene to shoot sum of them wild pigs running around out there in the Oak and Meskeet trees. We flew up in Cousin Gyro's, our Greek cousin by marriage, helochopper to get a better shot. All legal now, you now. We got some bigguns. One or two might have been on a hog farm but its' hard to see the fence line up in the air. Anyway, it was getting a mite late so we throwd a couple of the oinkers in the back of my caddy's trunk. Barely had room in there with the catfish.
What catfish???
Oh, yeah, I forgot. I stopped off at Cousin Barge's place on the Brazos and we had breakfast early this morning and went noodling for a spell. We each grooped a couple of twenty pounders and the big one, he may have been closer to 30, put a big gash on my wrist, stuck that old barb in my other hand and slapped me in the face with his tail. My eye swole up but its ok. I looked like I'd been in a fight. I meant to stop at that store by the 281 cut off  to buy ice but plumb forgot as I was thinking how I was going to tell Doris how that $10 charge got on our American Express from a strip joint last night. I sware, Cuz, I was just there to have a beer with Cousin Wily, I wasn't even lookin at them women but he was broke and I didn't have $10 cash  for the pole tax after the beers so I put it on American Express and Doris pays the bills and when she sees that she's gunna have Cousin Terry over here to counsel me again and I can't stand that preacher nosing in my bizness.  Anyway, I forgot the ice and by the time I throwed them hogs in there them fish was pretty ripe. But I had to hurry to get to football practice and I figured I still had time since the speed limit was 85.
But how does all that add up to a kidnapping and murder charge?
Well, while all that was going on the police in Throckmorten, that's Bob Lilly's homeplace you know, well they put out an a-dult amber alert for a missing elderly gentleman last seen in a '86 Caddy just like mine. So the deputy pulls me over for speeding, sees me purdy banged up from the fish fight, smells something decomposin' and walks to the back of the car and sees blood coming out the bottom of the trunk and thinks I've done kidnapped the man, had a fight with him, shot him with my rifle, stuck 'em in my trunk, and am trying to get away real fast when all I was trying to do was get back to coach the linebackers and special teams. Next thing I know I'm on the ground and they's impounding my car and calling a CSI team from Ft. Worth to come check it out.
Why didn't they just open the trunk?
Oh, did I forget to tell you that after we noodled a bit we went fishin' the old fashion way Grandaddy taught us, with dynomite. The officer might have seen an extra stick on the backseat and got all scared about a bomb. Can you help me, Cousin...
Click!

Have a safe Labor Day and watch out for those new laws.
Cos