Lent and the Man Who Gave Up Self

Peter had never seemed more sure and bold and that was saying something for those who knew Peter well. Boldness, even at times to the point of imprudence was a hallmark of his. But a risen Savior has a way of tempering that. Still, that ugly scene with the rooster crowing and the look Jesus gave him that night he betrayed the Lord haunted him. Yes, he knew Jesus forgave him. Yes, he knew the Lord had renewed the call and purpose for his life with the 'do you love me?' questions. Yes, had preached boldly for Jesus proclaiming him to the the Messiah risen from the dead. He had even faced charges and prison from the Sanhedrin and would not waver. Yet,  his heart was still haunted on some days, his heart didn't always feel as sure as his actions seemed to show.

Peter needed to talk to someone, to let the words flow out and hear another human voice affirm or correct or encourage. But he is seen as the leader now. Where does the leader go when he needs to be led? He first thought of the other disciples. They certainly knew how he felt. They had experienced all the joy and all the tragedy as he had. They were close and could be trusted. Best friends, a brother, connections of heart and mind with the other apostles left no cause to worry about talking to them about anything. Except, except his heart didn't feel quite right about talking to them. Too close? Maybe...they knew him too well, maybe...his own pride? Probably a combination of reasons. But quite possibly it was a prompting by the Holy Spirit to speak to another because this other person had the words Peter not only needed to hear but that they, for their own reasons, needed to say. The Holy Spirit had been doing a lot of that prompting lately. So Peter held his thoughts and waited and hoped the wait wouldn't be too long.

It wasn't. Late that afternoon, while reading, thinking, and meditating in the breeze on the rooftop, Joanna's voice broke the quietness. "Peter?'' Peter hadn't expected this visit. It was dangerous for Joanna. Her husband, Cuza, was a manager of Herod's household. The implications were pretty obvious for an official who was complicit in Jesus' death to have staff loyal to Jesus. Yet, here she was--Joanna, faithful, quiet, and brave. She had followed and supported Jesus' ministry, even traveling some with the little troup, from early on. Her faith and love for Jesus were not secret. Still, there was much fear and unrest among the officials as there was gladness and boldness from Jesus' followers. And there were the social mores, customs and Jewish traditions Peter had always held. It still seemed a bit awkward talking to a woman not in his family. Yet, the believers in Christ were family. "Welcome, Joanna, but are you sure you should be here?" "I can only say, Peter, that I believe the Spirit directed me here today. I'm not sure why yet.''

For a moment Peter hesitated, then he spoke. "I believe you may be here in answer to a prayer. I've been needing to talk with someone but was unsure who. I have prayed for days, and again this morning. This afternoon you show up saying you were led here by the Spirit."  "Still,'' Joanna interrupted, "how can this involve me?" So Peter told Joanna the questions he had. The haunting his betrayal still caused even after the resurrection and Pentecost. The fear he had that his boldness would run ahead of the Spirit as it did on the mountain with Moses and Elijah, walking on the water, at the supper when he rebuked the Savior, and that mess with the sword and the servant's ear in the garden. Time after time his boldness got him in trouble, but the one time he wished he had been brave, he melted and ran in fear.

"Peter, I have a few thoughts and one message the Spirit gave me even before I came here today. In fact, that message was why I was sent here. I didn't know for who or why, now I know. Peter, I am around people in Herod's staff and see people in charge of so many things and other people. In these respects, they are like you. You have worked hard, become a success with the fishing business. You lead your family and now the church in so many ways. You are used to getting things done and you are the boss. People with money, a title, and responsibilities are used to having their way. You determine so much for your family, your business and now the church and that one moment when you failed haunts you. Our Lord doesn't want you to be troubled, haunted by your betrayal. He wants you to be humbled, as we all were by what we did or thought, and do the one thing that can cure you of self-determination which will lead to arrogance and anger. I do believe Jesus wants you bold, but not in arrogance and anger, but bold in love."
"What is that one thing, Joanna?"
"That is the message I was sent to give you: 'Follow me!' That was all, just 'follow me'."

Peter's eyes filled up with tears as the words sank into his soul. Like a drink of warm wine after coming in from a cold night's fishing, the warmth seemed to spread to his whole being. "Follow me!"  "Joanna, those were the words our Lord had spoken to me when he forgave me and brought me into fellowship and service by the lake that morning. Thank-you, Joanna. Now go, go quickly and go in peace. The Lord bless you."

It sounds so simple, thought Peter:  "follow me!" But in that one statement is love, grace, mercy, humility, obedience, faith, bravery, purpose and servanthood. "Lord, may the only thing I ever determine on my own is this: to follow you."

So Peter determines to no longer be self-determining. It is ironic. Our world and culture tell us to be independent, free thinking, and do what makes us happy. So everyone gets tattoos to celebrate their new found independence, and gets a god who agrees with them and lets them do anything they determine will fulfill their lives. Hey world, how's that working for you? Want to try something radically different? Then give up self-determination with one exception: determine by faith to follow Him.

Cos